Hey guys. This isn’t something I talk much about, but I think it’s finally time to speak about it.
I have BDD which is also known as Body Dysmorphic Disorder, I don’t speak about it because I don’t want people to say I’m vain, I just want attention etc but I think it’s something that people need to be aware off.
First things first, if you also suffer with this, you are not alone, more people then you would think suffer with BDD, it’s a very common mental health disorder, it’s just not spoken about enough.
So I’m going to start from the beginning, when this all started.
I just want to say, I am still struggling with this everyday, I am in no way a expert and I am no where near getting better.
This all started when I moved schools in year 3. I was bullied at my previous school so my mum moved me to a new one, everything was going great, I was a good student, I was very clever, popular and loved going to my new school, until some girls who I thought was my friends started saying I was fat and I needed to loose weight.
So I stopped eating.
I mean, I still ate, but I didn’t eat properly, just so I could loose weight, I used to throw my lunch in the bin when I was at school. So I was only eating breakfast but I would take so long to eat it that I couldn’t finish it in time for school and then dinner where again, I would only eat a small amount.
My mum didn’t really think anything of it because I used to snack throughout the day when I was at home but I wasn’t really eating, I’d take food and hide it in my room then put it back later when she was in bed or having a bath.
This went on for about a year.
By this time I was tiny, my mum was worried and took me to the doctors but they said it was nothing to worry about and I was just a small build.
Year 6 came around, where things got much much worse, the same girls, who I thought was my friends, started calling me ugly, saying I couldn’t be friends with them because I was so ugly, fat and stupid, that I’d never get a boyfriend because I was to ugly.
I believed them and even tho I’m married now, I do still believe them, boys in school would flock to them like a dog on heat, I was always in the back, alone. No one wanted me, because I was ugly.
I dropped out of school in year 10, because I couldn’t take the bullying anymore. I had boyfriends in high school, but I still knew, I was ugly. Everything they said ate me up, I hated myself. I wanted to change everything, I used to cut out pictures of celebrities and put certain body parts of there’s on pictures of me, thinking, that’s what I want to look like.
Things got worse again when I started getting acne, my skin was terrible, so they called me polka dot, they also used to shout out to me on pancake day “oh it’s charlottes day, pancake day” mainly because I have no boobs.
This is when I started to play with make up, it made me feel good, but then I started to check what I looked like about 100 times a day! Probably more, any mirror, car window, anything that had a reflection, I would look in to make sure I looked okay, I changed my hair so regularly that my hair ended up so damaged.
I just wanted to feel beautiful, just for one day, but that day has never come.
When I was 15 I ended up being the smallest I’ve ever been, I had a very serious eating disorder that caused me to pass out all the time, but I still thought I was fat, because they told me I was.
Looking back at that photo makes me so sad because it was other people that made me do this to myself, but I’m also to blame, I shouldn’t of listened to them.
My eating disorder lasted until I was 18, when I fell pregnant with my son, I knew I had to be healthy for him so I ate, I didn’t want him to come out unhealthy, it was hard but I knew i had to do it for him. My husband always would tell me how beautiful I was, I never believed him, I still don’t to be honest.
Not long after having my son I ended up becoming a size 18, that was a huge shock to my system, I didn’t even want to leave my house, that’s when my eating disorder came back.
Even on my wedding day, I didn’t feel pretty, I felt so uncomfortable and I didn’t want my photo taken but it’s a wedding, these things happen.
I’m 24 now, almost 25, I’m now a size 8 and I’m still struggling with this everyday, I see girls on the street and wish I looked like them. I’m currently saving up to get lip injections so hopefully that will maybe make me feel better, I don’t know, I can only hope.
BDD has this weird stigma behind it, that people with this condition love there selves and want people to compliment them so that they feel good, it’s not that at all, even when I get compliments, I don’t believe them.
I can’t take photos with other people because I feel like a ugly duckling.
I don’t stand next to people smaller then me, i keep a good amount of distance so I don’t look fat.
I’m constantly checking what I look like, touching up my make up, rearranging my hair so I look good to others.
I don’t eat things that can end up staying in my teeth and I don’t wear lipgloss/lipstick that can end up on my teeth.
I’m always spraying perfume because I’m scared I might smell.
Always chewing chewing-gum or mints incase my breathe smells.
Brush my teeth 4 times a day so my teeth remin white.
If a photo I upload gets less then 20 likes, I delete it because I must of been ugly in the photo.
There’s more things to this that I do on a daily basis, but I don’t want to bore you.
I hope this has opened your eyes up to what Body Dysmorphic Disorder is. It’s not the person being vain, it’s not wanting attention, it’s not wanting compliments, it’s just wanting to feel pretty and no matter how many compliments a person who suffers from this gets, they will never believe the person.
Thank you for reading